Revamper
Tactless Vampire
A Screenplay by E-Meta -StarINT. YAHOO - AFTERNOON
Kool Aid Mentalist DAN THE MAN is arguing with articulate mechanic WISH BONE MASTERS. THE tries to hug BONE but she shakes her off.
Please Bone, don't leave me.
I'm sorry The, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
BONE frowns.
I'm sorry, The. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
BONE leaves.
THE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, kind author STAR SPEARS ICP barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Spears! Is everything okay?
I'm afraid not.
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
It's ... a Vampire ... I saw an evil Vampire wonder a bunch of Loan sharks!
Defenseless Loan sharks?
Yes, defenseless Loan sharks!
Bloomin' heck, Spears! We've got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was...
SPEARS fans himself and begins to wheeze.
Focus Spears, focus! Where did it happen?
Google! That's right - Google!
THE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
THE rushes along the street, followed by SPEARS. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. GOOGLE - SHORTLY AFTER
FAKE GOVERNMENT a tactless Vampire terrorises two Loan sharks.
THE, closely followed by SPEARS, rushes towards FAKE, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What's the matter?
That's not just any old Vampire, that's Fake Government!
Who's Fake Government?
Who's Fake Government? Who's Fake Government? Only the most tactless Vampire in the universe!
Blinkin' knickers, The! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tactless Vampire in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin' knickers, The! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tactless Vampire in the universe!
I'm going to need Fish, lots of Fish.
Fake turns and sees The and Spears. She grins an evil grin.
The Man, we meet again.
You've met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young THE is sitting in a park listening to some A Hall WAy music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees FAKE. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some A door?
THE's eyes light up, but then he studies FAKE more closely, and looks uneasy.
I don't know, you look kind of tactless.
Me? No. I'm not tactless. I'm the least tactless Vampire in the world.
Wait, you're a Vampire?
THE runs away, screaming.
INT. GOOGLE - PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To THE) You ran away?
(To SPEARS) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
THE turns to FAKE.
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
THE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with Fish.
I'm not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. FACEBOOK PLAYER - LATER THAT DAY
THE and SPEARS walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my Fish somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Fish.
You know nothing Spears ICP.
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, FAKE appears, holding a pair of Fish.
Looking for something?
Crikey, The, she's got your Fish.
Tell me something I don't already know!
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
Breaking News.
(appalled) Dude!
While FAKE is looking at SPEARS with disgust, THE lunges forward and grabs her deadly Fish. He wields them, triumphantly.
Prepare to die, you tactless A cup!
No please! All I did was wonder a bunch of Loan sharks!
BONE enters, unseen by any of the others.
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Loan sharks were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! The Man defender of innocent Loan sharks.
Don't hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these Fish on you right away!
Because The, I am your mother.
THE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
No you're not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
FAKE tries to grab the Fish but THE dodges out of the way.
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, FAKE slumps to the ground.
Did she just faint?
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Fish.
THE crouches over FAKE's body.
Be careful, The. It could be a trick.
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Fake Government is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
SPEARS claps his hands.
So your Fish did save the day, after all.
BONE steps forward.
Is it true? Did you kill the tactless Vampire?
Bone how long have you been...?
BONE puts her arm around THE.
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Fake Government.
Then the Loan sharks are safe?
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable Loan sharks enter, looking relived.
You are their hero.
The Loan sharks bow to THE.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Fake Government will never wonder Loan sharks ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the Loan sharks passes THE a Waffle Firefly
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
Well, if you insist.
THE takes the Firefly.
Thank you.
The Loan sharks bow their heads once more, and leave.
THE turns to BONE.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, The, of course I want you back!
THE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
Well you can't have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
But...
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Spears.
SPEARS grins.
But...
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
The?
I'm sorry Bone, but I think you should skidaddle.
BONE leaves.
SPEARS turns to THE.
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly SPEARS stops.
When I said Breaking News, you know I was just trying to distract the Vampire don't you?
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